The Nomad is a series of stories, fascinations, encounters, observations, experiences, joy of the moments by me, Ulrike Reinhard – all around my travels. Stay tuned!
Ulrike Reinhard is The Nomad 🙂
Looking back on my work in Janwaar in India, I consider the fact that I never took anything out of this village or from the villagers as one of the pillars of the success story we’ve created. I was giving – and so were the villagers – without expecting anything in return. Giving wasn’t transactional, it was a gesture, an essential part on our common way forward. It is the basis of trust on which we kept building on.
The moment giving becomes transactional, it becomes a very different thing. It is disturbing, it’s knitted to an intention and completely loses its charme and power. It is taking away the trust.
In the following two chapters I describe two men who showed me “giving” in two very different ways. And I’ve written this piece because it is bothering me that hardly anyone calls transactional giving out for what it is: a shame for our collective psyche. We see it, we just accept it and let it be. We have to be aware that it comes with bitter consequences for our societies, for our collective. We see it in our current societies, in our divisions/segmentations in our sheer lust for MORE, MORE, MORE.
And please – don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that any of these two men is bad, they both represent certain types of humanity, they both have the right to live their lives as they want – nothing wrong with that. It is their choice. It is coincidence that I “use” them here, could have been other examples as well. I do that, because these encounters only happened recently.
My intention is to raise awareness and think about “giving” – what does it mean to give. And what are the consequences if you only give so that you can take. And maybe – if enough people raise their voice – we will see a change on the individual and collective level. It is the naive little girl in me who still believes in that hope. And I hope I’ll never lose it.
Man 1 – representing the (vast) majority of humanity
I have a friend, whom I know for quite some years, but only recently I had the chance to get to know him better. We travelled together on a few occasions and shared some time. He is a generous, wealthy, healthy man with a boyish charme living in the world he has created for himself and the people around him. A bubble, which he controls. Very pragmatic, no deep thinker, having “fun” in life. Superficial, ignorant and to some degree even ruthless. He is married, has two adult children and is very open – at least to people outside his family – about his mistresses. A proud womanizer. He is running the family charity and doing “good”. He has built a successful business and his motto is MORE, MORE, MORE (because everyone does it) and he doesn’t care about the environment: “If I would think about the environment, I would need to close my business!”
“Contemporary” society certainly calls him successful and agrees, that he is leading a good life. A role-model. Something to yearn for. And he sees himself exactly like this. And he loves this picture of his, a huge ego – whenever doubt surfaces, he quickly sweeps it aside and distracts himself with ego-boosting activities.
Here are a few episodes when I saw him “giving”:
I went with him into a shop to buy presents for his wife and mother – after he had spent the weekend with one of his “attractions”. That is how he calls his love affairs. He selected a few items and went to the cashier. I was sitting on a chair watching him and waiting to get out. He turned around and said loudly with a smile on his face: “I need to keep everyone happy at home!” and what he didn’t say, but what was so obvious to come out next, was: “So that I can keep escaping home and live my life outside my marriage and family”. He was buying presents for his wife and mother to please them and keep them happy. He was giving so that he can take.
The second encounter was during a conversation we had about his life. He was almost in tears when he was saying: “I do good (running a charity) because I’ve done “horrible” (that was the word he was using) things in my life!” Again he is giving so that he can take. How can such a charity ever flourish? The intention is NOT doing good for others, the intention is to balance out his personal wrong doings (whatever he things he did wrong in his life). For the outside world and for his ego, it proofs though: This man (and his family) are great givers! They are doing good. It suits his image he has created for and of himself.
And last but not least he is giving so that he can take in his business. He is paying huge amount of bribe on many levels to keep his business running. “A very “normal” pratice”, he says. “Everyone does it. And it makes my life easy.” Might be true and probably is – but is it a reason to do the same bad thing simply because everyone else does it? Bribery is a fixed component in his tenders. “I am not paying for that out of my pocket!” he says. Which means at the end of the day, society is paying for it in form of higher prices and a rotten system.
I could add more examples – I won’t though, because I think the message is clear: This man is giving so that he can take!
Man 2 – representing the (small) minority of humanity
A friend had dropped me on the highway and whishing me well for my hitch-hiking tour up north along the West Coast of Australia. I could still spot her car when the first vehicle came to a halt. An aged, unwell-looking man was seated behind the wheel – he opened the window and asked me where I wanna go. His two Australian cattle dogs – beautifully blue mottled – barked at me as I drew near the car. My first reaction was: No, thank you! This doesn’t look inviting.
Nevertheless I told him where I wanted to go – The Pinnacles Desert – and he said: “I pass by there and I drop you!” Why not, I thought and entered the car despite my resentments. Fortunately, the dogs quickly settled down and curled up on the back seat. Not even five minutes down the road the man asked me: “Why do you want to go to the Pinnacles? It will be very crowded – it is a long holiday weekend and school spring break has started. There will be thousands! Come with me 200 km further up – you will love the place, there is no one – just dunes and beautiful beaches. The house is right on the beachfront.”
Classic tracks from the 70s and 80s softly filled the background.
I must have had a startled look on my face. As he glanced at me, he said: “No worries, I am not a murderer, I don’t want anything from you – you can take a photo of my licence and ID card and send it to your friends. I have no issues with that. I am just offering you a much better option – that’s all. And on Monday, after the long weekend, I’ll drop you at the Pinnacles on my way back to Perth!” I was completely floored. I didn’t have the words. Didn’t know how to react. I’d managed to manouvre myself in a peculiar spot.
A nagging voice in my mind was telling me: “You are nuts. You can’t go with this man. Just look at him? He looks dingy, translucent skin and he looks palpably frail. You can’t trust such a person!” Another voice was telling me: “TRUST. TRUST. TRUST. Don’t jump to conclusions based on someone’s appearance! See people for whom they are – and not what they look like. TRUST!” It was a chaotic emotional ride happening within me.
I looked up his destination on Google Maps. I shot a message to my friend whether she knows the area while I was leaning towards accepting the man’s invitation. Especially after he told me that he would drop me at the next bigger town if I don’t like “his” place. And here came the reply from my friend: “Far out and fantastic – we nearly bought land there. 100 acres of virgin coast!” My decision was made. I would go with the stranger and trust.
It was a four hours ride. I grew at ease with the dogs and they showed me their love in return.
On our way up I gradually became accustomed to the man’s Australian English – we were chatting. He told me that he was on dailysis which explained his translucent bleeding skin and that he has about two years of life left. He was only 64 years old, he looked much older. He was still working for 2,3 days a week – the days he doesn’t spend at the dailysis. He spoke about his family, that his wife was heading south with friends over the long weekend and that his daughter had tried to end her life. He rescued her in the last minute. They all live together in their house in a middle class part of Perth.
Time went fast. In the early afternoon we arrived at the house. It was paradise.
To make a long story short, we spent a lovely weekend together. We both did our thing, came together for the meals he cooked (I did the dishes) and we visited Kalberri National Park together. No fault in move, word, or behavior. It was genuine generosity on his behalf.
This man was just giving. He wasn’t taking anything in return.
His selfless kindness was an absolute treasure. A blessing. It felt my heart with warmth and made me happy. Honestly, I had tears in my eyes when I realized what bliss I was experiencing. And I felt ashamed of my thoughts when I first saw him.
Giving and our collective psyche
For our collective psyche, as a society – I am asking YOU as I was asking myself – what kind of “giving” do we need?
I cut the ties with man 1 because I realized he has no interest to change, no interest to contribute to anyone else but him and his family. Why would he? He is leading a good life and the majority of society applauds him. Even though it is a life in the shallows. It is not going deep. He was smiling commiseratively at me when we talked about this, probably thinking how naive she is and found it hard to grasp why this was troubling me. I doubt he ever understood what I meant. Unfortunately this behaviour is almost common behaviour – the majority of society acts like this. And we see where it is leading us.
The second man is applauded by hardly anyone. He is most of the time alone and struggling to go through life. He is not “attractive”, not successful. A nobody with no ego. Someone we feel sorry for. Yet in his very special, simple, generous and honest way he gifted me a wonderful weekend and made me aware of what it means to give without taking. No words were needed. Just imagine a society based on such behaviour!
I almost fell into this trap – to be blinded by man 1 and judgemental to man 2 – in both cases because of my conditioning. I am happy that I was able to take the turn and that I did what I had to do.
We all have choices in life. And I am learning to make my choices consciously – what I mean by that is that my choices are made free from the voices in my head which are telling me what I should do (=conditioning, feeding my ego). My choices should rather be made by my essence, by me, which is coming from a deeper space inside me. It might not always be the easy way when you choose conciously, it might even be scary – because you have to reflect and ask yourself and face the answers and/or the loss – but for me it is always worth the extra effort. Even if it means to leave someone or that you have to change yourself.
I have to look in the mirror and see a happy me. Conscious choices lead to real happiness. And only when we as individuals are happy, society will be happy. Everything else is poison.
It is time we take responsibility and point out the things no one wants to to talk about and hear.